The medium sized dog is the least consistent measuring system on the planet.

Man, I like those cold openings. It’s nice and clean isn’t it, gives a glimpse at the theme for the day without me having to work too hard. I digress; we have important work to get to today!

I shall first explain my gripe. Over my thousands of years on this planet, people keep describing their dogs as “medium sized”.

“Do you have a dog?” I desperately ask, the reply inevitably being, “Oh I do! It’s a cross between a hermawagnawerman and a flop, he’s a medium sized dog and very smart”.

For one, he is not smart. They are always the most stupid dog I have ever met, and there is nothing wrong with that cause I still love his empty skull. And next, that dog is either disappointingly small or it ends up being the size of a small spruce tree. You people do not know what a medium sized dog is. But I do, so put your faith in me and let me show you the truth.

First of all, let me point out what I initially think a medium sized dog is. Weimaraner’s, Golden Retrievers, and Labradors are all what I initially consider to be medium sized dogs. This may or may not be right, my own intuition may be failing me. But worry not! I am not guided by intuition and instead by science!

Let me also further your faith in myself by dissuading the use of the internet, for it too is corrupted! I looked up “medium sized dogs” and the flipping thing had the gall to say a basset hound was a medium sized dog. I’m actually laughing at this; I am legitimately going insane. That is not a medium sized dog that is a loud hot-dog! If somebody told me that they had a medium sized dog and showed me a basset hound I would punch them in the gut for blatantly lying to me. And they would deserve it too, they really would. This is ridiculous, the internet is stupid, moving on!

Should the medium sized dog be simply the mean of all dogs? Well, no… no, it’s probably the median, that makes more sense. Not because finding the mean of all dogs is basically impossible, but because… well… it’s not right. So, the median! What is that? Under the scrutiny of my math inclined friends, I am pretty sure it’s the mid-point within a set of values. Sooooo, let’s get the tallest and the shortest dog! Then we just find the mid-point and voila, medium sized dog.

The tallest dog ever recorded seems to be Zeus (who is sadly passed now, so don’t think about riding him around) who was 3 feet and 8 inches at the shoulder. He was a tall dog, the tallest. The smallest dog though was a dwarf Yorkshire terrier who measured 2.8 inches in height. Wow, that is like an edible dog. Medieval people definitely ate those, just saying. But looky here, the mid-point between those two numbers is 23.4 inches.

All my people reading this measure your dog’s right now and if you have a 23.4-inch dog message me. You won’t get anything for it, but it will make me happy. What dogs can be that height I hear you asking, how can this knowledge be at all practical? Well, here you go – oh no.

Oh no no no. I swear. Basset hounds. Basset hounds are medium sized dogs. Those short little jerk noodles have struck again. Oh, wait no, that’s a dog door that fits basset hounds, everybody false alarm, and basset hounds you can cry about it. They are in-between 11 and 15 inches tall. Never trust those AI info summaries, they are basset hound biased.

Anyway, Australian shepherd dogs get pretty close apparently, and the Weimaraner and Labradors were both spot on. Golden retrievers are on the larger side apparently but hey, I was mostly right. So, you could trust me all along. To the faithful, I hope you are rewarded. To the doubters, you deserve a basset hound yelling in your ears for 6 hours straight.

(P.S. I have no clue now what a mean or average or median is after an argument with someone smarter than me, comment if I was wrong and I will accept defeat)